The Untold Tales
by Blah34
Summary: A series of Hobbit one shots of many a genre.


**So I figured that since I suck at finishing things, I should write some one shots or something, just cause once they're published, they're already finished. This is going to be where I put all of my Hobbit one shots. So yeah. Here we go.** **By the way, since I have terrible original ideas, I'm taking prompts, so if you have an idea you'd like to see as a Hobbit one shot, pop me a PM and I might just make it.**

 **This one is just something I thought up just now. Bleeh.** **Basically, Bilbo tries to teach kids how to fight.**

 **DISCLAIMER: I do not own _The Hobbit_** **or any of its characters.**

 _Weapon of Choice_

It's been five months since he'd returned home, but Bilbo still felt on edge and twitchy, like there was a dragon breathing down his back everywhere he went. Before his "little adventure" in the wild lands beyond the Shire, he had never thought much about ever having to defend himself. Now, having nearly been supper for trolls, almost killed by goblins, somehow not torn to pieces by wargs, and having come dangerously close to becoming a pile of ash, he thought about self-defense all the time.

 _If the Shire was ever under attack_ , he thought one day while sipping a cup of warm tea, _we'd be toast. Hmm, toast. Toast is good_. He placed his teacup in its saucer and rose from his armchair and walked down the hall towards his pantry. Opening the door, he took out a loaf of bread and sliced himself a piece, about an inch thick and stumped back to his fireplace. Using a pair of tongs, he thrust the bread into the flickering flames and, with his other hand, ruffled his curls aimlessly.

 _The Shire needs a defense system,_ he had decided. _We're doomed without one._

He wondered how the other hobbits would take his idea. They'd laugh, no doubt. Call him Mad Baggins and write it off as insane paranoia. But perhaps some would agree, the ones who believed his tales of dangers and adventures. Perhaps he could assemble a little army himself.

"Yes," he spoke aloud. "A group of hobbits dedicated to keeping the Shire safe for all, even Sackville-Bagginses." He chuckled, and slid a piece of paper towards him. "But who should be on the list?" He pondered over this for a minute.

A burning smell climbed to his nostrils and he whirled around, expecting the snake-like face of a dragon, and realizing that it was simply his toast. He had left it in the fire too long and it was now a deep black, with bright orange flames licking the crust. He blew the fire out and tossed the bread away. It didn't matter anymore. What mattered was who was worthy enough to help defend the Shire from evil?

"They'd have to be brave," Bilbo thought aloud, scribbling down a few names. "Bold, daring...perhaps if I asked a few Tooks? But they'd have to be smart, and quick on their feet. Eager, earnest, and honest..." he trailed off, blinking in realization. "Of course!" He exclaimed happily, having found the perfect group to defend the Shire.

"Mister Bilbo, why did we have to bring knives?" The young hobbit asked, confusion on his small face and a small butter knife clutched in his fist.

Bilbo smiled at the six children standing perplexed in front of him. "You all remember the adventure I went on?"

The children nodded.

"You met a dragon!" Exclaimed a tiny boy with a serrated bread knife in his hand.

Bilbo chuckled. "Yes, Milo. I did." He grinned. "But how would you like a dragon to invade the Shire?"

"That'd be cool!" Cried a small blonde girl. She turned to an older girl with brown curls. "Wouldn't that be cool, May?"

May Gamgee, who was 14, rolled her eyes. "We'd all be dead."

"Exactly!" Bilbo said. "We'd be incinerated into a pile of burning ashes faster than you can say 'The Old Took took two tons of tomatoes.'"

"What's 'incinerated?'" Asked an older boy, Paladin Took.

"It means 'burned up.'" Said Bell Goodchild, a pretty little girl.

"What's 'burned up?'" Asked little Milo Burrows, who was only five.

"Your face and bones all get melted with fire," said Halfred Gamgee, who was 10 and a bit of a troublemaker.

Milo began to cry. "I don't wanna be melted!" He wailed, dropping his knife and running away, towards where his mother stood with outstretched arms.

Bilbo frowned. "Well, I was thinking of having a defense squad, so that we could protect ourselves from danger. And I thought you all could be the squad."

The boys high-fived each other, and the two younger girls looked pleased, but May looked confused.

"We're kids, Mister Bilbo." She pointed out flatly. "We couldn't keep a bunny out of the Shire."

"That's why I intend to train you," Bilbo explained patiently. "Now, let's see your knives."

The young hobbits held up their weapons, butter knives, steak knives, cheese knives. Paladin even proudly brandished a fork.

"Well, we'll have to get you some proper weapons," Bilbo said, and unsheathed his own short little sword, Sting. "Now then," he said with authority. "A bit of a swordplay lesson. Show me how you hold your...um...weapons."

The children proudly clutched their various utensils in their fists, Bell's knuckles even grew white from gripping her paring knife so hard.

"Right, maybe ease up a bit." Bilbo suggested.

Bell dropped her knife.

"Not that much."

The girl picked up her knife again and yelped. "Mister Bilbo!" She squeaked, and pulled her hand away from the blade, blood dribbling from a thin cut on her hand.

"Be careful!" Bilbo chided, coming over to examine her wound.

"Did she get hurt? Is this first blood?" Halfred asked with interest.

"No," Bilbo sighed. "It isn't too deep, Bell. Go home, get it bandaged and learn how to handle a knife, for Yavanna's sake."

Bell nodded and scurried off home.

"Right," Bilbo nodded. This was not going at all like he had planned. "Since you all have knives-"

"I've got a fork." Paladin interrupted.

"-Or forks," Bilbo added, a little irritated. "You're all better off trying to stab someone rather than slicing. We'll work on your thrusting motions and-"

"Mister Bilbo?"

Bilbo looked down at the little brown-haired hobbit, Eglantine Banks. "Yes, dear?"

"What if I don't wanna stab people?" She asked, then brought her thumb to her mouth.

Bilbo sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Well," he said after a pause. "Sometimes you have to hurt people for the greater good."

Eglantine gasped. "But that's wrong." She said, pulling her thumb out of her mouth with a pop. "Hurting people is wrong, that's what Mummy says."

"Well, most cases yes, but-"

"I'm telling Mummy that you're telling us that hurting people is good," she said, took a deep breath and ran down the hill telling all of Hobbiton that "Mister Bilbo says stabbing is good!"

Bilbo flushed red and stared at the three remaining children. "Anyone else have anything else to say?"

Halfred raised his hand.

"Yes?"

"Is it Dinnertime yet?"

Bilbo sighed and pointed down the road. "Go home," he said.

Halfred shrugged, pocketed his butter knife and ran down the path.

Bilbo watched him leave, very much dismayed. This was not going like he had planned at all. He turned back to May and Paladin. "Now," he said, and paused, waiting for something to happen.

The two stared at him intently.

Bilbo nodded. "Okay." He said. "Now, a thrusting motion is like this," he said, and modelled the move for them. "See? You lunge forward and push out your blade." He paused again.

The two looked back at him with wide eyes.

"All right," Bilbo felt a bit perplexed. He had expected to be interrupted by now. "Any questions?" He asked.

Paladin nodded. "Yeah, why do you keep stopping like that?"

May elbowed him. "Be nice. It's just what old people do when they can't think of words anymore."

"I beg your pardon?" Bilbo protested. "I'm not old! I'm 50!"

Paladin's eyes boggled. "You're that old?!" He cried. "I'm thought you were younger than that!"

May wrinkled her nose. "Why'd you go on an adventure if you're so old?"

Bilbo stamped his foot. "I'm NOT old!" He yelled, his face growing warm.

"You're like ten times my age!" Paladin shrieked.

"I am not, young man, you're nine years old!"

Paladin rolled his eyes. "You're getting up there."

"I'll bet he's older than you and me combined." May said.

"With the Old Took too!" Paladin added.

"I AM NOT!" Bilbo hollered.

The two children looked at him, then turned to each other, mischievous grins on their faces.

"Should we?" Paladin asked.

May nodded evilly. "Oh, definitely." She said.

"What are you doing?" Bilbo asked, panicking a bit. "What's going on?"

May smirked. "We were just going to show you our thrusting motions." She said sweetly, brandishing her butter knife.

"Oh, good," Bilbo said, relieved for a moment until he noticed that the children were advancing quickly, holding out their utensils to thrust at...

Oh.

Him.

Down the hill, Drogo and Primula Baggins watched as a young hobbit boy and girl tackled Bilbo to the ground, silhouetted by the midday sun.

Drogo smiled. "It's nice to see old Bilbo Baggins having fun with the youngsters."

Primula nodded. "Yes, especially since he's getting up in age now. Perhaps it might motivate him to get himself a family."

Drogo nodded and the two walked off, listening to Bilbo's screams and the children's laughter.


End file.
